The French Beef with Google Maps (France vs Google)

1 Feb
  • This one is filed under both “moronic” and “French idiocy.”
    • A French commercial court recently upheld an unfair competition suit lodged against Google by a French mapping company called Bottin Cartographes.
    • For what?
      • Great question. Dur dur durrrr.
    • For offering its fantastic free mapping services (a.k.a. Google Maps) to anyone with access to the interwebs. 
      • So that’s, um, like a lot of people.
    • The French court ruled that Google’s free mapping service presents too much competition for businesses that get paid for their mapping services. 
    • So Google France was fined almost $700k.
    • Moral of the story: if you’re really good at making something, and want to give that thing away for free, don’t live in France. You’ll be sued. Caca.

Don't continue to be a cry baby, France.

The Kelly Family Headache (Ray and Greg)

26 Jan
  • Wow.  Stick with me on this one. It’s a doozy.
  • You think you had a bad day? I bet today is worse for the Kelly family.
    • The Kelly family can haz headache. Big one.
  • Ray Kelly is NYC’s police commissioner. 
  • This week it was reported that the NYPD showed an anti-Islam video called “The Third Jihad” to at least 1,500 officers last year. Let’s just say it doesn’t cast Muslims in a flattering light.
    • Ray Kelly was interviewed for the video and appears in it at least once.
      • He apologized for his appearance in it.
      • And said it shouldn’t have been shown to officers.
      • And apologized for it being shown.
      • That’s some premium Monday morning quarterbacking.
  • BUT WAIT!! THERE’S MORE (MAS, for the Spanish-speakers out there).
    • Ray Kelly’s son, Greg can haz headache too!
      • Just like daddy!
    • Greg Kelly happens to be the anchor of “Good Day New York,” a morning nooz program in NYC.
    • He was just accused of rape by a woman he met in October.
    • So really Greg has one headache and papa Ray has two now.
    • Current condition: NVC.

Bad week.

The Sandusky Disguise

15 Nov
  • Breaking news!
  • Jerry Sandusky didn’t only molest innocent children in the shower.
    • He also worked the children’s party circuit. Graphic images below.

The disguise is good, but the teeth give him away.

The Man who Killed His Friend for Eating his Dog After it was Killed by a Monkey

18 Aug
  • This post’s title says it all.
  • A man in Thailand went crossbow hunting with his dog and his friend.
  • That sounds cool.
  • Then a crazy monkey attacked the dog.
    • And killed it.
    • That’s not very cool.
  • The man’s friend then attempted to take the dead dog home to eat.
  • In response, the man shot his friend with his crossbow, killing him.
    • Sounds like a sick love triangle.
  • 1. A monkey killing a dog is not very cool.
    2. Planning to eat a dead dog is not very cool.
    3. Killing your friend because he was planning to eat your dead dog is not very cool.

The Assholes of Bachelor Pad, A.K.A. Kasey and Vienna

15 Aug
  • Probably the only time such profanity and trollish ranting will be seen on this site.
  • Excuse us, but it’s time to rant against assholes.
  • Flame on, Johnny!
  • Vienna and Kasey are assholes.
  • Assholes.
  • Vienna, who the hell forced you to be on, or stay on the show? ABC? They duped you into thinking Jake wouldn’t be on the show?
    • Are you that dumb? Have you ever watched television? Have you ever seen a “reality” show?
    • Yes? Then did you know that Bachelor Pad is a reality show?
    • It’s a GAMEshow. Grow a set and buck up.
  • You should have made good on your girlyman’s offer and gone the hell home.
  • It’s amazing how no matter how much you and Kasey hate Jake you still let him invade your every thought and consume your entire being.
    • You can’t make peace with him? Even though he’s gone out of his way time and time again to make peace with you two? It’s more fun to be mad, we know. Just take this flame, for example. It feels good, right?
    • The two of you look even dumbererererer. That’s dumb times at least five.
  • My god, Kasey, you look MAAAAAAD insecure, SON!
  • Kasey, you fraud. You think you’re some kind of mafioso? You tough? Slimeball. Herb. Douche (the French pronounce it “Doo shay”). Kick rocks. Who even says that?
  • Go guard and protect a steaming pile of crap.
  • Oh wait. You’re already guarding and protecting her. 
  • The two of you so obviously won’t even make it to the final four.
  • I hope this flaming from behind the interwebs curtain makes us famous. 
  • Flame off.
  • Damn. Flaming is not very cool, but it feels so damn right sometimes.

The Toy Truck and the Sex Line

11 Aug
  • A boy received a Mattel Matchbox toy tow truck as a gift.
  • On the side of the truck in bright yellow was printed the phone number “1-800-FAST-TOW.” 
  • To be funny, the boy’s grandmother called it.
  • Turned out it was a sex line with a message that began with, “Hey there, sexy guy.”
    • That must be soooome fast tow.
  • Maybe cool in another situation. 
  • Not very cool in this one. 

The Verizon Headache: Strike and Sabotage

10 Aug
  • Verizon workers are angry.
    • At Verizon.
  • 45,000 of its workers have been on strike for several days.
  • Now there are reports of fiber optic lines being slashed by what are likely a few rogue asses.
  • Fiber optic lines carry cable, internet and phone service.
  • Sure there are cell phones, but what if you really really really need to call 911 from a land line that’s been destroyed?
  • In one incident, phone service to a police department in NJ was interrupted.
  • Messing with public safety because, like a small, pooping child, you have no control of your emotions is not very cool.

Not pretty. Not very cool.

The Problem With a Firework Alarm Clock

9 Aug
  • A woman in Gainesville, FL got drunk last Sunday.
    • With her boyfriend.
  • Her boyfriend fell asleep.
  • She wanted to wake him.
    • And figured some leftover fireworks from the 4th of July would do the trick.
      • You know, the classic firework alarm clock.
  • So she lit one.
  • It exploded.
  • Her boyfriend woke up.
  • Mission accomplished.
    • At least until she realized she blew off her thumb, middle and ring fingers.
  • Need we explain why this is not very cool?
    • No.

Firework alarm clock? Not very cool.

The iPhone Hand Case

8 Aug
  • This one is very, very not very cool.
    • And very creepy.
  • iPhones are all the rage.
  • Lots of companies make cases for them.
    • Many of which are cool.
    • Some of which are absolutely not cool.
  • The image below is not Photoshopped.
  • It displays a girl talking on her iPhone sporting the “Hand Case.” 
    • It’s a real product manufactured by a real Japanese company called Dokkiri.
  • Holding hands with your iPhone is not very cool.

Holding hands with your iPhone is not very cool.

The Nicki Minaj Nipple Incident

5 Aug
  • Nicki Minaj performed on Good Morning America today.
  • A lot of bouncing was involved.
    • Enough to shake a nipple free of its coverings.
  • ABC aired the live performance with a five second delay.
    • But it wasn’t enough time to censor the entire incident.
  • A big network losing control of a small nipple is not very cool.

Damn you, slippery nipple.

The Dead Massachusetts Swimmer

1 Jul
  • This is disgusting.
  • A woman’s body was discovered floating in a public pool in Massachusetts yesterday.
  • Dead.
  • With nary a swimmer, lifeguard or health inspector noticing it.
  • For two days.
  • During which the pool was open.
  • Is that very cool?
  • No.  
  • No way.
  • Not very cool wins this one.

The Biker and the Bike Lane

29 Jun
  • A biker in NYC was recently fined by NYPD for not riding in the designated bike lane.
  • $50.
  • On the infraction severity scale, this ranks a -1.
  • Not very cool to fine a rider for this.
  • Especially when bike lanes are frequently blocked by vehicles and there’s no other option.
  • Check out the biker’s hilariously sarcastic video response to the NYPD below.

The Perils of Inspecting a Gas Truck With a Lighter

23 Jun
  • Watch the video below.
  • A Shell gas truck pulls into a gas station to deliver fuel.
  • The gas station attendant can be seen inspecting the 5,000 gallon tank through the port holes on top.
  • But it looks like he has trouble seeing into one of the port holes in the dark.
  • So he decides to use a lighter to help.
  • A lighter.
  • Anyone see a potential problem here?
  • What happens next is not very cool.

The $1 Bank Robbery For Medical Care

21 Jun
  • On June 9, North Carolina resident James Verone drove to his local bank.
  • To rob it.
  • He slipped the clerk a note saying he was robbing the place and to give him $1.
  • $1
  • Yes, $1.
  • Then he told her he would be waiting for the police in a nearby armchair.
  • What?
  • Turns out that Mr. Verone had just lost his job with Coca-Cola.
    • Along with his medical insurance.
  • He was suffering from several ailments and couldn’t take the pain any longer.
  • He figured that his only chance of receiving medical attention was from the state.
  • For free.
  • In jail.
  • Which is why he robbed the bank.
  • His plan actually worked; he’s receiving medical attention.
    • While in jail.
  • It’s not very cool that U.S. healthcare is in such a state that people will resort to such crazy stuff to get it. 

Having to resort to crazy tactics for medical attention is not very cool.

The Town That Named Itself After a Dot-Com

17 Jun
  • Umm. Yeah.
  • The website Snapdeal.com recently donated $5,000 worth of water pumps to a town in India.
    • That was nice.
  • As a show of gratitude, the town renamed itself “Snapdeal.com Nagar” (Nagar means settlement).
    • Of its own volition.
  • Snapdeal.com Nagar is officially not very cool for voluntarily pimping itself.
  • If you’re going to whore your town’s name, at least name it after a dot org.

You can't buy us! (unless you have $5k.)

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